How to Be Assertive Without Being Rude

5 Things You Can Do to Increase Your Assertiveness

5 min readMar 27, 2020

As there are many demands on your time and energy every day, learning how to be assertive will help you stay true to yourself and focus on your priorities.

There is a fine line between being assertive and being aggressive or rude. Your ability to learn how to be assertive, without being rude, will help prevent conflicts, while maintaining healthy relationships.

What Does it Mean to Be Assertive?

Assertiveness or the ability to be assertive refers to a person’s self-confidence. It is your ability to value your wants and needs, while considering other’s wants and needs.

When you are assertive, it implies you are clear on your priorities and what you want to accomplish. It means you can communicate what’s important to you, without being aggressive or dismissive.

When you are assertive, you can understand a person’s point of view and share your point of view respectfully and firmly, even if it is not what they want to hear. Being assertive means you are focused on what you want and are mindful not to violate the rights of others.

What Prevents People From Being Assertive?

Commons reasons why people are not assertive include:

They don’t want to be judged or ridiculed by others.
They have low self-confidence and self-esteem.
They don’t want to disappoint others.
They are concerned about other people’s opinions of them.
They don’t want to feel unpleasant emotions if they let others down.

Being assertive does not mean you should only focus on yourself. It means you know what a good balance is between serving others and taking care of your needs.

The Benefits of Being Assertive

The benefits you will enjoy if you learn how to be assertive include:

You will increase your self-confidence and improve your self-esteem.
You will have more clarity on your values.
You will experience less stress.
You will get things done faster.
You will improve your communications skills.
You will solve problems with more ease.

As you become more assertive, you will accomplish the things you want easier and stay committed to what matters to you.

How to Be Assertive Without Being Rude

Here are five things you can do to increase your assertiveness, while respecting others and what they want to achieve.

Communicate your intentions or the outcomes you want. Using correct communication techniques starts with being prepared and having a high level of clarity. Using sentences that begin with “I want” or “I need” or “I feel” will help get across what is important to you.
Practice seeing things from different perspectives. Everyone has different points of views. If someone’s differs from yours, it does not mean they are wrong. It means they have a different way of getting the outcomes they want. If you put yourself in their shoes, it will help you see where they are coming from.
Learn the power of a positive no. A positive no will help you stay focused on your priorities and also give enable you to give options to others. If you are uncomfortable saying no because you don’t want to disappoint others, learning how to use a positive no will make it easier.
Offer feedback to reach agreed outcomes. The need to be assertive arises because you are experiencing a problem. The problem may involve a demand on your time, energy or resources. Offering feedback then becomes a problem-solving technique. The objective is to reach a solution that works for everyone concerned.
Give yourself the flexibility to change your position later. Just because you have to be firm on your priorities now, does not mean you cannot change your preference later. Being assertive does not imply it’s your way, every time. It’s okay to change your position, provided you are true to yourself.

Final Thoughts

Your ability to be assertive without being rude, will require practice and commitment, especially if it feels uncomfortable. If you do, others will respect your time, energy and what you value even more.

If you allow yourself to be taken advantage of because you are not assertive, you will resent others and not be in a healthy frame of mind. Learning how to be assertive, without being rude, is a gift you should give yourself.

Action Step: Next time you are asked to do something you know you don’t want to or do not have the capacity to, use these ideas to be assertive and remain committed to your priorities.

Question: What are more things you can do to be assertive without being rude?