How to Handle Passive-Aggressive Behaviour

5 Steps You Can Take to Deal With Subtle Aggression

5 min readApr 14, 2020

There will be times when you have to deal with passive-aggressive behaviour, therefore knowing what to do will prevent conflicts.

Those who use passive-aggressive behaviour are often not aware they are doing it, nor are they aware of the consequences.

What is Passive-Aggressive Behaviour?

The term passive implies something not direct, but subtle. Therefore, passive-aggressive behaviour refers to when a person shows aggression indirectly, rather than directly.

Most times, it’s done without addressing the issue at hand, which can make a situation worse. It can come across as a person sending mixed messages or having unclear intentions.

If you are unfamiliar with dealing with behaviour that has subtle aggression, it will be difficult to reach a resolution quickly.

Why Do People Use Passive-Aggressive Behaviour?

While most people are not aware they are passive-aggressive, common reasons why they employ that behaviour include:

It is an avoidance tactic, which means the issue at hand is not addressed directly.
It is a way to control people’s behaviours.
It is a tactic to get one’s way.
It is a ploy to deny others what they want.
It is an indication a person has low self-esteem and self-confidence.
It is a sign a person is insecure.
It is a way to express negative emotions indirectly.

Effects of Passive-Aggressive Behaviour

The effects of passive-aggressive behaviour include:

Dysfunctional or destructive relationships.
Lack of clarity of what is important.
Strong resentment towards another person.
Poor attitude which can lead to procrastination or sabotage.
Inability to communicate honestly.

Your ability to handle passive-aggressive behaviour well, will allow you to ease the strain on your relationships and reach mutually acceptable outcomes.

Signs You Are Dealing With Passive-Aggressive Behaviour

Here are signs that indicate you are dealing with someone who uses passive-aggressive tactics.

Giving you the silent treatment.
Not completing things in a reasonable time or leaving things until the last moment.
Receiving subtle insults.
Not communicating directly.
Giving criticism that’s disguised as compliments.
Needing to always have the last word.
Being stubborn.
Deliberately being left out of something that affects you.
Keeping score of what was said or done.
Intentionally making mistakes to slow things down.

5 Steps You Can Take to Deal With Passive-Aggressive Behaviour

Dealing with passive-aggressive behaviour is not pleasant and can be challenging. Here are five things you can do to deal with passive-aggressive behaviour, while staying true to yourself and what’s important to you.

Stay present and calm at all times. It’s normal to feel triggered when dealing with passive-aggressive behaviour. You have to resist the temptation to react or get pulled into a situation that is not productive.
Get to the source of the issue quickly or directly. Since a person using passive-aggressive behaviour most likely has built up negative emotions, your job is to find out what the real issue is. A direct question such as, “What is the real issue here?” will get to the heart of the issue much faster.
Communicate your intention. Once the source of the issue has been raised, it is a lot easier to have a conversation about it. If you are clear on what you want, you can direct the conversation so it leads to productive outcomes. You also have to be mindful of what the other person wants.
Avoid blaming, complaining or judgment. During the conversation, see things from their perspective. This will help you better understand what is going on for them. If you blame, complain or judge them, you will add fuel to their negativity, which is not what you want.
Maintain a positive attitude. You have to lead by example. This means staying focused on the outcome that will benefit everyone. The other person will mirror the attitude you show. Therefore, having a positive attitude will lead to a resolution faster.

Final Thoughts

Passive-aggressive behaviour will not bring positive outcomes, nor will it form strong, healthy relationships. If you do not address it head on, it will lead to the destruction of your relationships.

Your job is to be aware of passive-aggressive behaviour and address it quickly so you can maintain your relationships and keep progressing towards what’s important.

Action Step: If you know you are passive-aggressive towards someone, pause and reflect on what is going on for you. If someone is being passive-aggressive towards you, apply the ideas suggested to reach the outcomes you want.

Question: What are other ways to handle passive-aggressive behaviour?